Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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