I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
