Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
