I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
