I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
