We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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