just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
