I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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