apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
