I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize