I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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