"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
