I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I AM VODKA MAN
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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