Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
