nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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