Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
