i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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