I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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