I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
