What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
