You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
