No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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