so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
