I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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