Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We smell like vodka and hangover
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
