So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish life had little blips of pornography
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
