Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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