sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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