I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just had sex on a roof
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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