Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
