I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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