i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just want nice things and good sex
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
