When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
