guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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