Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Its about making memories worth repressing
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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