I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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