No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
