True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
