I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
