So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
MIDGETS
????
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
