Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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