Me. At least after what I've been through.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
