So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
