: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
