you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
