dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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