did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
