I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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