So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
