I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
