The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize