mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
