I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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