I puked a lego.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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