Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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