ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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