Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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