i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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